they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
