you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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