So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
