Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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