"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
