i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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