I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
