why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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