what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
