When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
