life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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