I am midnight drunk by noon
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
