She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
