Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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