I can text with my tongue
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
