Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
