Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
