At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
