The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
