please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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