I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
