if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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