Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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