Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
