theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
