he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
