I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need a beard to bite.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
