i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
