go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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