Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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