Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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