R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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