If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
