Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
