Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I got inside last night via doggy door
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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