Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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