Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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