after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
this boner is exhausting
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
