dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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