went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
