I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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