They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
