you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
