My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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