By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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