I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
