your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
