I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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