I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
