and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
